


i'm taking pictures of you with flowers on the wall

by apricotaeris



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Hokage Kakashi, I wrote this awhile ago, M/M, Other characters are mentioned briefly, POV Multiple, Pining, Post-War, short and sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:33:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24516199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apricotaeris/pseuds/apricotaeris
Summary: The second Naruto starts coughing, he knows. In fact, he can almost say he saw it coming--perhaps he doesn’t catch colds, and maybe he’s only suffered fever once or twice, but this? This is different.This is dirt and roots and leaves, this is flower petals on his pillowcase, sweet, floral perfume on his breath, taste of metal on the back of his tongue. This is Hanahaki, the pining sickness: unrequited love as a painful, lethal disease.This is something the Kyuubi cannot protect him from.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 26
Kudos: 450





	i'm taking pictures of you with flowers on the wall

**_i’m taking pictures of you with flowers on the wall_ **

The second Naruto starts coughing, he knows. In fact, he can almost say he saw it coming--perhaps he doesn’t catch colds, and maybe he’s only suffered fever once or twice, but  _ this _ ? This is different.

_ This _ is dirt and roots and leaves, this is flower petals on his pillowcase, sweet, floral perfume on his breath, taste of metal on the back of his tongue. This is  _ Hanahaki _ , the pining sickness: unrequited love as a painful, lethal disease.

This is something the Kyuubi cannot protect him from.

Sure, there’s a surgery, a removal of the roots and dirt and vines and blossoms growing in his lungs, but with it comes a devastating result: your feelings leave with the flowers. That love you feel for whoever your most precious person is becomes a distant memory, obsolete, replaced with a vague numbness and simple, friendly affection. Or sometimes, nothing at all.

He refuses.

Sure, he’ll probably die, that’s a given, but when he tries to imagine feeling  _ nothing _ for somebody he currently loves so much, it only serves to make something deep within him ache (and deeper still, his companion aches, too). His life has been a series of unfortunate events, a constant influx of hatred and fear and pain. No matter how big he smiles, no matter how loud he is, underneath all the bravato is that little boy who was beaten and ignored, who spent hours locked in the coat closet at the orphanage, who spent his meager allowance on rent and cup ramen because he couldn’t afford anything else, who used his free time either training or getting petty revenge on the people who despised him.

To love somebody enough to even  _ have _ Hanahaki, even after all of that, is probably worth dying for.

It’s not that he thinks the person he loves doesn’t care for him--he’s sure that they do--, but there’s no doubt in his mind that it’s a platonic affection, and that isn’t enough to cure Hanahaki, could never be. The cure is quite simple, really: the object of your affection must return your feelings equally, or surpass them.

Naruto’s pretty sure his sensei (his  _ Hokage _ ) is not in love with him, and therefore decides it would be pointless to confess. He doesn’t want Kakashi to pity him, or even attempt to talk him into getting the surgery.

And so, he tells nobody. He’s gotten pretty good at hiding things over the years, particularly the pieces of himself that are vulnerable to others, or that are easily judged by others. If he told Sakura, she’d do her best to convince him that he should confess, and if he told Sasuke, he’d only tell Naruto that he was being an idiot.

He thinks maybe Neji would have understood. Neji had understood a lot about Naruto.

(Not a lot of people do.)

/

The truth is, Kakashi is weak. He has always been weak, at least in this. He has never been good at confronting his own emotions, has never quite gotten the handle on facing them or owning up to them. And  _ this _ ? This is worse. Because this is his sensei’s  _ son _ . The Yondaime Hokage’s only child, the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi, the boy who saved the world, the boy who (in another life) would have been his surrogate brother.

No, he isn’t sure how to face these emotions. If he had had a choice, he wouldn’t have even acknowledged them, but Tenzo is a menace and Gai is unnecessarily cruel.

“Yo.” The memorial stone, relocated and refurbished, doesn’t answer. “Maa, I know it’s been awhile, sensei, you don’t have to be that way.”

As acting Hokage, Kakashi rarely has days off, not even Sundays like most of the shinobi. Usually, he doesn’t mind much. Despite what he originally thought, he does a fairly decent job at it, and he truly appreciates Tsunade’s belief in him.

But he doesn’t see his students as often as he’d like, and he visits his sensei even less.

“What would you think of me, I wonder, sensei? Kushina-sama? Would you be angry? Would you pity me?” He scoffs. “No, I know. You’d actually be happy that I’m recognizing it, wouldn’t you? Maybe you’d even want me to tell him.” He attempts to swallow past the lump in his throat--what is he even getting choked up for anyway? It’s not like telling Naruto was ever an option! “Well, joke’s on you. He’ll never know. I can’t hurt him like that.”

What would Naruto even do with that knowledge? He’d ache, finding out that his father’s only surviving student, a man fourteen years his senior-- _ fourteen _ \--, is in love with him. And Naruto, kind as he is, he’d feel  _ bad _ . He’d feel remorse over being unable to return Kakashi’s feelings, isn’t that just  _ wrong _ ?

Not only that, but if  _ Kakashi _ went to him and confessed, would he be morally obligated to offer himself simply because Kakashi was his superior, his leader, his Hokage? Kakashi still doesn’t truly understand the way Naruto’s mind works, doesn’t really know whether Naruto’s self-preservation really only extends to enemies, doesn’t know what Naruto would do to himself to make somebody he cared about happy.

His chest clenches painfully. No, Kakashi won’t do that to him, refuses to put the weight of his emotions on Naruto’s shoulders. He’s the only person left--everyone else Kakashi could have fallen in love with (could have, but never did) is dead. He won’t destroy the only person still alive his heart has designated as  _ precious _ .

But why does it hurt so much?

/

Naruto stares detachedly at the blue violets and lily-of-the-valley piled in his hands, speckled with blood and saliva.  _ You’ve made my life complete _ , they say, and  _ I’ll always be true. _ It’s official. He’s in love, and he’s dying.

He’d already known, of course, but this is the first he’s actually seen whole blossoms after a coughing spell, and if he wasn’t a little disheartened that it seems to be progressing at a staggering rate, he might even be impressed enough to share them with somebody. As it is, there’s nothing he can do but toss them in the garbage and rinse the taste from his mouth. After all, his Hokage has summoned him to the Tower and he’s already running late.

When he steps inside Kakashi’s office, the other three inhabitants of the room look up, greeting him with wan smiles (the ANBU guard has no reaction). “Welcome, Naruto,” Kakashi offers. “As much as I would like for this to be a social visit, we’re here on business. Late last night, a messenger summons brought me a report from our spy in the Land of Ashes. It seems agents of Ame are setting up a Honeypot in the hopes of turning our allies against us, and they’re using non-shinobi lands to do so…”

**Bored already, brat? And to think, you’re so easily tuning out the words of the man you’re dying for.**

Naruto cringes, unnoticed by the other shinobi in the Hokage’s office (Panther notices, but it isn’t the ANBU’s place to say a word).  _ I’m listening to him, Kurama. _

**Actively?**

_ Shut up. _

“...will be your job, Naruto.”

“Yes, Hokage-sama.”

He sees the dirty look Kakashi sends him and fights a smile. Three years as Hokage and Kakashi still isn’t accustomed to being called - _ sama _ by anybody, but especially not his students. But the truth of the matter is this: Kakashi is a good Hokage, and Naruto would willingly follow him anywhere, personal emotions aside. His sensei has his respect, first and foremost, and his devotion.  _ And my heart _ , he thinks distantly.

**Getting melancholy right before a mission is unwise, brat. I really don’t want to die before our time.**

Naruto’s heart drops down to his stomach.  _ Wait, Kurama, you aren’t dying with me, you’re free to go wherever you want. _

The fox doesn’t respond.

_ Kurama! _

“Naruto, just a moment, please,” Kakashi says as he moves to follow Shikamaru and a kunoichi he only half recognizes. Naruto nods, letting the door fall shut. “Are you alright? You don’t look well.”

Naruto opens his mouth to respond but instead, a wet, hacking cough rips out of his throat and he doubles over from the force of it, covering his mouth with one hand while he braces himself with the other.

“Naruto!” Hands wrap around his biceps, but the coughing doesn’t let up until two full flowers fall into his palm and his throat is torn and raw. His Hokage steers him into a chair, hands firm and eyes worried. “What’s-- _ Naruto _ .

“Panther, find Kiba and Akamaru--they’ll be going in Naruto’s place. Shikamaru can brief them on the road.” Kakashi doesn’t take his eyes off of Naruto’s face, so he can only imagine the picture he makes. He knows he’s pale, his lips are chapped, and he wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if there were a few drops of blood on his chin as well.

“How long have you been sick?” Kakashi asks. It’s funny, Naruto’s pretty sure his sensei’s voice hasn’t been this gentle in some time--at least a few years. What else has Kakashi been keeping locked up tight?

He strokes a finger over the flowers in his hand, avoiding Kakashi’s gaze. “Today makes… seventeen days? At first I wasn’t sure why the disease was progressing so quickly, but I did some research. Apparently, lily-of-the-valley are highly poisonous.” He pretends like his voice isn’t rough and grating.

Kakashi makes a soft sound. “And you won’t confess to this person? Just in case?”

“Can’t.” He doesn’t elaborate. Kakashi doesn’t ask him to. Naruto’s pretty sure he’ll only confess if given a direct order from his Hokage, and Kakashi isn’t the kind of person to do that. At least, Naruto doesn’t  _ think _ he is.

All rational thought leaves him when Kakashi drops to his knees, head bowed. “You won’t be convinced to have the surgery, then, will you? It isn’t in your nature to throw your feelings away.”

“Hokage-sama, why are you--”

“I’m not above begging you, Naruto. Out of everyone I care for, I really believed you would outlive me.” There’s an edge to his voice, something hurting and desperate, something Naruto hadn’t imagined he’d ever hear from Kakashi. “Please, Naruto,  _ please _ . Don’t do this. Is this person truly worth your life?”

“Would it really be love if they weren’t?” He rasps, nudging Kakashi with his toes. “Come on, Hokage-sama, shouldn’t I be kneeling in front of you?”

“No,” comes the whispered reply. “You’re worth a lot more than me, Naruto. This isn’t fair.”

/

Kakashi’s pretty sure his advisors will forgive him for spending more time in the hospital than in his own office considering that the patient he’s visiting is  _ choosing death despite Kakashi’s pleas _ . If he can’t do anything to save this young man, if he can’t convince him that his life is more precious than the person he’s dying for, then the least he can do is stay by his side for the rest of his painful existence.

Anyone who says that Hanahaki disease is ironically beautiful, achingly romantic, has  _ never watched somebody they love succumb to it _ .

“Why are you punishing yourself like this?”

He lifts his gaze, confused. “Punishing myself? Naruto, I’m not going to let you die alone. I don’t want to be doing paperwork in my office and find out too late that you’re gone.”

_ He’s only twenty, sensei. What am I supposed to do? _

Kakashi’s silent plea goes unanswered and he rests his elbows on his knees, studying the jonin in front of him. “Others have accepted the surgery, Naruto. Why won’t you consider it?”

He searches the blond’s face intently, waiting. Even a little insight to Naruto’s thought process, just the smallest clue, and maybe he’ll understand.

“Could you imagine…,” he begins, “loving somebody so much that it makes you sick? Can you imagine knowing what that means, imagine being entirely devoted to somebody, and then  _ choosing _ not to love them anymore? Sensei, I know I’m hurting people, and I’m so sorry. But I can’t do it, I can’t give up the person most precious to me. Never. If I have to die instead, so be it.”

Perhaps that is the difference, then. Naruto’s love is freely given, no matter the consequences, but Kakashi… has always known that his precious people would have been much better off without him. He’d never want anyone to suffer the burden of his love, and so he’d probably choose to rid himself of it, given the choice.

Then again, dying in the name of the person he loved… well, he doesn’t think he’d mind. Not for Naruto, or any of the others he loved before.

(But especially not for Naruto.)

/

_ “I can’t just let you go, Naruto. Everyone I’ve ever loved leaves me, and now… I’m begging you, don’t do this. Don’t  _ you _ leave me, too.” _

_ Do I tell him? _

_ What will he do when he realizes he can’t save me? Beg me to get the surgery, knowing that I’ll never be able to love him again? Attempt to save me with a lie, even if it would be useless? _

**Return your feelings, in which case you’re currently dying for no reason? Pitiful.**

Naruto growls. “Jerk.”

**When have you ever backed down from a challenge, kit?**

Never. He’s never backed down from a challenge. Otherwise, Sasuke would have killed him years ago, and so would two other Uchiha. He’d already be dead, and then his chances of even falling in love would have been  _ zero _ . Can it be as easy as this? Taking a risk? Share his feelings in a gamble that has the potential to either save his life, or crush Kakashi’s spirits even more?

What would be worse? Kakashi knowing that Naruto won’t bother trying, or Kakashi knowing Naruto’s life is literally at his own feet?

Naruto’s always believed in honesty, of course, but… He doesn’t want to hurt Kakashi anymore.

The door to his hospital room opens harshly, his Hokage standing there with a desperate look in his eye, looking hurt, scared,  _ defeated _ . “Naruto,” he says, and he’s using his Kage voice (there’s an edge to it that makes Naruto’s mouth go dry), “as your Hokage, I order you to confess on the grounds that you are a valuable asset to this country and its people.”

“Yes, Hokage-sama,” he rasps, blinking stupidly when Kakashi  _ shunshins _ away.

Now he has to crawl out of bed and track the bastard down.

**I like this one** , his companion rumbles, curling up for a nap.

_ Yeah, me too. _

He finds Kakashi exactly where he thought he would, somehow able to sneak up on his Hokage. The only reason he knows is because Kakashi never speaks to the stone when he knows somebody can overhear him. Naruto’s only ever snuck up on him one other time, and he left before he could really be tempted to eavesdrop.

“...wrong, sensei? I feel like you’re laughing at me, aren’t you?” He’s silent for several moments. “I’m sorry I failed you. I promised I would protect Kushina-sama, and after you both died, I swore I would keep him safe in the shadows, and now…”

Naruto moves to his side, suppressing a cough. “There was a new flower this morning,” he announces, watching Kakashi flinch, albeit almost imperceptibly. “Edelweiss. It's a mountain flower, it stands for courage and devotion. I think I was on the verge of confessing even if you hadn’t ordered me to.”

“What did it look like?”

Naruto holds it up. After coughing it up, he’d stumbled into the small bathroom off of his hospital room and rinsed it in the sink. “Strange, but pretty, huh? Hurt like a bitch coming up, though.” He sinks to his knees in front of the memorial, setting the flower on the grass, but says nothing when Kakashi kneels beside him.

“How did it go?”

He hums. “I don’t know yet, sensei, I only just found you.”

“Oh? And why waste time looking for me?” Though he clearly attempts to mask it with laziness, Naruto can hear the bewildered edge to his voice.

He snorts, throat twinging. “How am I supposed to confess to you if I don’t know where you are, sensei? Sheesh, weren’t you some sort of prodigy or something?”

/

It’s just a small gasp, but it escapes him before he can get a handle on it.

Naruto loves… him? Actually loves him? Loves  _ Kakashi the friend killer _ ?

Beside him, Naruto attempts to suppress a cough, but he’s otherwise silent.  _ Naruto _ , silent.

_ This is real, this is actually happening, what should I  _ do _ , sensei? _

Because Naruto’s life is in his hands, and he can  _ save  _ him. Naruto has to live, and that means Kakashi must confess as well. Otherwise, he dies for nothing.  _ Nothing _ .

“I didn’t know,” his mouth says without his permission.

“Yeah.”

“I wish I had.”

“I’m sorry.”

Something builds and builds in his chest, pressing and aching until it bursts, and then the clarity devours him. Naruto loves him. And he loves Naruto. It’s so _ simple _ .  _ He doesn’t have to let go. _

_ I’m so sorry. I’ve been a fool, I could have spared you all of this hurt, could have spared both of us.  _

_ Forgive me sensei. _

He stands, moving to pull Naruto to his feet, to bring Naruto into the circle of his arms and just  _ hold him _ . “This is my fault, Naruto. You get so formal sometimes, I was… worried that you would hand yourself over to me like it was some sort of duty. And I… Well, I have a bad habit of keeping everyone at an arm’s length, you know?”

Naruto leans into him, forehead pressed to Kakashi’s collarbone, but there’s a stiffness to his shoulders that says more about his confusion than his mouth is apparently willing to.

“You’ve done something nobody else ever has, you know,” he murmurs against Naruto’s temple. “I’ve never been in love before.”

A startled laugh escapes him, the tension bleeding out of him so Kakashi’s forced to take a little more of his weight (though he’s perfectly happy to). “You really love me, Kakashi?”

_ I really, really do, and I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you. _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i hope you liked it!


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